


In the Depths of Dark Despair, There is Still Light

by MistyShadows



Category: Valdemar Series - Mercedes Lackey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, But Vanyel has some issues, Herald-Mages don’t die left and right, I hate Leareth, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, The gods gave him a shitty deal, This deal is less shitty, Valdemar keeps its mages
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28815573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyShadows/pseuds/MistyShadows
Summary: Vanyel lives, Leareth will probably be mentioned offhand as some anonymous Herald-Mage called final strike on him so Van and Stef actually get to have a relationship together. Maybe they will even have a kid, who knows. Poor Van is sorta depressed at the moment, so complications.Also thanks to Swimmer963 and all the other Valdemar writers on here for inspiring me to write stories, poetry, and all things of the sort. I feel some credit be should given to you guys for this.
Relationships: Jisa/Treven (Valdemar), Randale/Shavri (mentioned), Vanyel Ashkevron/Stefen
Kudos: 3





	In the Depths of Dark Despair, There is Still Light

**Author's Note:**

> So I deleted the second chapter and merged it with chapter 1 and 3. Keep in mind story on here is the more polished version than the one on Wattpad. The one on Wattpad has really short chapters and is just a kind of ruff draft. If you want to see the unpolished version on go to the end of the chapter.
> 
> YESS, I FINALLY FIXED THE ERRORS!!!  
> 

It had been going on for at least two months; the worst of it had been anyway. The Voices would tell him day and night how worthless and perverted he was. They would never cease. Only the blade of a knife would quiet them, he sometimes thought about how he had gotten to this point, but it seemed utterly unimportant.

He couldn't tell Yfandes; no, she would think him insane or worse. After that first night with Stef, the Voices came back with a vengeance. He craved his presence, as it was the only thing besides knifing himself that would make quite the Voices. The Voices told him he deserved the pain. He had to hide the scars by wearing long-sleeved tunics, even though it was nearly summer.

He carried on even though he wanted to be dead.

* * *

Savil was getting slightly worried about Van lately. He was becoming more and more withdrawn. So while talking to Lissandra about adding more Web protections, she decided to drop by and check on him.

"So, do you think we should add _ sandaar _ to the Web?" Lissandra mused

"What exactly would they do?" Savil asked

"Well, they could attack enemy mages when we tell them to, but how do we get the  _ vrondi _ to alert us to any foreign mages that aren't  _ supposed _ to be here?"

"Hmm, that's something I'll have to chew on for a bit before I'd know the answer to that. By the way 'Sandra, do you mind if I swing by and check on Van for a bit? Maybe he could help with the  _ vrondi _ problem." 

"Sure! He is the one that put the  _ vrondi _ in the Web in the first place."

They continued walking through the Heralds' Wing until Savil finally stops at Vanyel's door. She paused for a moment before knocking. "Hey, Van?" she called as she opened the door. "Lissandra and I were wondering if you could-" she fell silent for a moment " 'Sandra," she said in a strangled voice, "Get a Healer  _ now _ ." 

"Wh-  _ oh _ _ gods! _ " 

The scene in front of them was something taken from Savil's worst nightmares. Van was slumped up against the wall on the floor with dozens of cuts on each arm. He loosely held a dagger in his right hand and wasn't moving.

Lissandra wasted no time and tore off towards the House of Healing while she went and knelt by Vanyel and reached for Kellan  _ :Kel? Can you talk to Yfandes and ask her what is going on:  _

A pause  _ :She says he has been shielding her out a lot lately. He's been a bit off in a way:  _

That worried her quite a bit. She then finally heard the blessed sound of two pairs of hurried footsteps out in the hall. As she turned, she saw the Healer and Lissandra hurry in through the partially open door. The Healer was a sharp-eyed woman and had the face of a hawk. She vaguely remembered her name.  _ Vixen, I think? _ She was the Healer she remembered Van mentioning he had worked with on a northern circuit at some point.

Vixen just stared for a second at the scene in front of her, her face mirroring the horror Savil herself felt. Wasting no more time, she went and knelt beside her.

"Herald, do you know what happened?" she asked

Trying  _ not _ to sound too hysterical, she said, "No."

"Well, the cuts don't look very deep, but it still would be advisable to Heal them. Since my reserves are low, could you spare me some energy?"

Savil nodded and flung her a line of power. 

It didn't take too long to Heal them, and the next thing she knew 'Sandra and the Healer was hauling Van to his feet. Despite being moved, he did not rouse.

Savil, now finding her voice asked, "Where to?"

"House of Healing, this afternoon when Jisa is free, we'll have her look at him. He needs a Mind-Healer to Look at him."

When they were out in the hall, Savil closed the door, an ever-burning question.  _ Why ke'chara, why? _

* * *

Jisa was putting away files in her new office when a Palace Page came in and said Jisa was urgently needed in the House of Healing. Wasting no single moment, she dropped what she was doing and rushed out. The Page told her what they could, something about a Herald had been hurting themselves, blocking out their Companion, and now needed the attention of a Mind-Healer as they were now in a completely catatonic state. 

She needed to let Treven know she would be missing the afternoon council meeting.  _ :Trev:  _ she reached out, then he picked up the link  _ :Yes?: _

_ :I'm going to miss the council meeting, emergency in the House of Healing: _

_ :What is it?: _

_ :A Herald is completely catatonic at the moment, meaning either Amber and Terrill are unavailable or they've already tried to help them, and it didn't work: _

_ :Okay: _

She dropped the link. She already had dismissed the Page and was now heading over to the House of Healing.

When she got there, she got directions to where the Mind-Healers have their private rooms for patients that are a danger to themselves. She finally got to the House of Healing's out-of-the-way region and saw a white-clad figure sitting in a chair in the central area. She quickly realized it was Savil and just as quickly came to the thought that she had been crying.  _ Why is Savil here?  _

"Savil?" Her voice had a note of hesitancy in it.

"Yes, Jisa?" Her voice sounded hoarse

Upon instinct, she reached out with Mindspeech.  _ Maybe it'll be easier to talk that way _

_ :Are you okay?: _

_ :No, it's just…:  _ The __ mind voice __ held overtones of sadness and bone-deep weariness 

_ :Just what?: _

_ :I can't believe Van didn't come to me. Kellan keeps saying it wasn't because he didn't trust me, but I don't know!: _

_ Oh, that's the Herald they called me over for.  _ Now that she knew who it was, it made sense in a way.  _ Van always had the air of a person who was only half there. I'm surprised it took him this long to snap finally. _

Switching back to Mindspeech, she said  _ :Think about like this, there probably isn't something you  _ could  _ have done, even if he had come to you or even Yfandes: _

She could offer no comfort for this situation as she didn't know Savil all that well, and this was  _ not  _ her area of expertise. After asking where he was, Savil pointed to the door behind her.

She slowly creaked open the door "Van?" The room was only illuminated by one flickering candle.  _ Gods, it is dark in here _ Vanyel was on one of the only bits of furniture that the room had, a bed. He was slumped there staring straight ahead. If it weren't for the fact that she could see him breathing, she would have sworn there was a corpse lying there instead. Pulling over a small stool, she started slowly drifting into a trance. Now that she was in a trance state, she dove headfirst into the swirling chaos that was Vanyel's mind. But she, however unprepared for the whirling storm she found herself in.

She was caught in storm of despair and self-loathing; she heard dozens of voices she couldn't make out. She tried to find a stable point, but it was impossible. Eventually,  _ something  _ threw her out. All at once, she came back to her body with a gasp.  _ Holy hell, I was not ready for  _ that _.  _ In hindsight, it probably would have been a wiser idea to use her Sight and Thoughtsensing.

She slipped back into a trance and let her Sight unfold before her. Her Sight would show the structure of his mind, but what she saw shook her to the core. He was completely locked in his mind, and most of his thoughts could barely form before they shattered. But there was one defined thought loop that still held.

_ It's too much- too much. I can't do this anymore; I want to be dead. Please let me die! It is agony. Please just let me die. I'm a worthless mistake. Just make the Voices stop! _

That made her feel sick.  _ Vanyel will kill himself if he gets half the chance.  _ That was a terrifying thought, but the 'Voices'? That made her curious, so she pocked and prodded around until she found  _ Ah. _ His subconscious was the 'Voices'; more or less, it voiced all of  _ his  _ doubts and was slowly driving him crazy. She eventually caught ahold of the patterns and, without hesitation, ripped them out, as it was the only way to deal with it.

She then waited for him to do  _ anything,  _ something to sign that it would let him out of the trap that was his mind. When she went prodding around again, something caught her eye. It was a link of some sort; then it hit her as she looked closer. If she hadn't looked at the bond between her and Treven so much, she might not have recognized it for what it was. It was a lifebond, albeit half-formed, but the question was to who and also  _ why?  _

_ I didn't think you  _ could  _ lifebond twice, but I guess Van has already done the impossible of living with a broken lifebond. Why not do something just as impossible?  _ It was an unimportant afterthought as there was still the question of  _ who  _ still. But then a memory drifted across her mind, she talked to Medren at some point, and he complained about his roommate. 

_ Stef is being driven utterly crazy about my uncle. Less he doesn't want anyone else anymore, and the more he knows him, the worse it gets. It is starting to drive me crazy. I'd swear up and down that he was lifebonded to him. The point is my roommate is lovesick for my uncle. Hells, I'm the one that set them up, and now he keeps saying he feels like something is  _ wrong,  _ and now I'm trying to keep him from losing his head! _

It hadn't clicked at the time, but now it made sense _. Now, how the hell am I going to get him to acknowledge it? Van is stubborn and sometimes very oblivious, and how am I going to help him? _

Well, she could ask Terrill once she found out where the hell he was. She still had not everything there was to know about problems like this, and even then, she wanted a second opinion. She would wait until then.  _ I guess I'll wait and hope nothing goes wrong until then. _

[ In the Depths of Dark Despair, There is Still Light-Unpolished Version ](https://www.wattpad.com/story/252772854-in-the-depths-of-dark-despair-there-is-still-light)


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